Why are Portland Protesters being taken into Federal custody?

Federal Marshals in front of the Portland Federal courthouse building
  1. “any person or any entity that destroys, damages, vandalizes, or desecrates a monument, memorial, or statue within the United States or otherwise vandalizes government property.” Notably, doesn’t say the statues have to be government property, let alone federal. Then there’s a bunch of references to US code, mostly regarding state and federal property. but the assertion of authority doesn’t specify that it has to be. So that’s cool.
  2. “any person or any entity that participates in efforts to incite violence or other illegal activity in connection with the riots and acts of vandalism described in section 1 of this order.” so: claiming federal authority over any law broken at protests, possibly?
  3. “any person or any entity that damages, defaces, or destroys religious property, including by attacking, removing, or defacing depictions of Jesus or other religious figures or religious art work.” Like literally any of it, anywhere. Public or private. And once again, not clear that anyone’s really done any of this, unless Junipero Serra counts. But I bet if it did happen, religious conservatives would be SO MAD. So better to make it seem like an active concern, for the clicks. ATTACK & DETHRONE GOD, etc.
  1. “withhold Federal support tied to public spaces from State and local governments that have failed to protect public monuments, memorials, and statues from destruction or vandalism.”
  2. “abandonment of their law enforcement responsibilities… to public monuments, memorials, and statues casts doubt on their willingness to protect other public spaces and maintain the peace within them” If you don’t station armed guards around a statue, are there even laws?
  3. “withhold Federal support from State and local law enforcement agencies that have failed to protect public monuments, memorials, and statues from destruction or vandalism.” If you don’t station cops around statues, gramps won’t pay for your cops.

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45th Parallel Absurdist Brigade

45th Parallel Absurdist Brigade

Press collective in PDX. A double-decker shitpost sandwich on wry whole-grain journalism. Photos and commentary on twitter.com/45thabsurdist